Loading ...By Catherine Jimminy Beazley (formerly Katherine Elizabeth Beazley)
This piece was inspired by the recently released parody “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People”, and if i do say so myself it has every bit of that film’s mediocrity and insincerity. Probably more bits. To put that another way, if you want to buy friends and control people whilst you’re at it, read on!
Dress to impress. Buy a suit to wear to uni, and make it as snappy as you can- say a double breasted power suit (triple breasted if possible). And don’t be afraid to make it brash; a bold pinstripe, for instance, is so visually noisy that it simply speaks for itself! A tie is generally preferred to a cravat– you don’t want to appear ridiculous in the university setting. Rather, a simple pocket handkerchief will provide embellishment enough to any ensemble, often with just a hint of Thomas Crown (pocket handkerchiefs are strictly de rigueur amongst millionaire-playboy-art-thieves, don’t you find?). But remember, it’s just a hint of Crown you’re after, no more. The man is a fugitive arch-criminal after all. If your suit is a little on the arch-criminal side of visually noisy, consider getting a monocle- or at the very least some sobering reading glasses. Both are very fetching when worn with a three piece suit and matching fob-watch, just perfect, to borrow from Saki, for compelling one’s attention without losing one’s respect.
Ok, so you dress like a gentleman, now speak like a scholar. It’s only the illusion that is important here- obviously actual scholarship is far too tiresome to bother with. Fortunately, a devilishly thin facade of cleverness can be conjured out of little more than thin air. Firstly, quote intelligentsia relentlessly- especially philosophers- and the more obscurely foreign the better. Secondly, and better yet, pepper your speech with Latin phrases. Simply anything will do, the beauty of Latin is that even mindless sentences sound wise under the spell of its showy grandeur. Per example:
Ut venalicium , ut venalicium , emo a pinguis sus , Domus iterum , domus iterum jiggety jig
That’s a powerful sentence. …(sort of). But put it in english:
To market, to market, to buy a fat pig,
Home again, home again, jiggety-jig
And I’ve heard custard blancmanges come out with more powerful sentences.
A word of warning: Relentless quoting of philosophy, in conjunction with incessant use of Latin can get a bit much at times. 
Sometimes, less is more. For example…actually I can think of no such instance…it’s probably an old wives tale. Stick to being incessantly relentless!
Most importantly of all, it’s not what you know it’s who you know. That means networking! Lay the ground work now by building bridges with the right sort of prospective-clientele, namely future white collar criminals. Play your cards right by specifically seeking out peers with the sorts of character flaw that might lead to tax evasion.
The networking battlefield is no place for the ill-equipped. Your monocle should help attract the right sort of attention, but don’t leave it to that. You’ll need business cards, possibly thousands of them (plenty of space for extra business cards in a triple breasted power suit). Try to distinguish yourself from the crowd, and be careful not to hem yourself in with a narrowly worded card, take mine for example:
Beazley, CJ
Attorney-at-law.
Also :
Attorney-at-basket-weaving
&
Amateur-Attorney-at-microwave-cookery
Finally, a simple deed poll procedure was all that stood in the way of Beazley K.E. becoming Beazley CJ. Now when I write my name in a deranged format and publish pretend judgements, I may feasibly be mistaken for a chief justice. Sure, there are some in the higher echelons of the legal fraternity who will know the chief justice by name and notice incongruities- and almost certainly the Chiefs Justice themselves will not easily be fooled- however there are bound to be other cases where confusion reigns, and a sort of vague suggestion of high office lingers about you. And that is perhaps the best kind of vague suggestion one can hope for. Cobble together enough of it and you can create an entire fog of general competence – perfect conditions for winning friends and influencing people.