Loading ...By Harry Black
It’s every law student’s worst nightmare; how will I possibly survive this morning’s tutorial with a crippling hangover? At the
Hilarian, we’ve seen it all. We’ve seen girls in tulles cocktail dresses stumble into tutes 15 minutes late, sit down and scrounge around in their clutches for stationery, often settling for used serviettes and black eyeliner. We’ve seen guys in tuxedoes slump into classrooms, find a seat and produce a 1000-yard stare that would put any Gallipoli veteran to shame. After much analysis, we’ve come up with a simple set of guidelines to make sure you get the most out of a morning tutorial despite what might appear to be the worst hangover you’ve ever suffered in your life.
Firstly, students need to recognise what sort of hangover they have. You might, for example, attempt to use Edward Albee’s immortal adage “never mix, never worry” as the cornerstone for your evening one Thursday but unfortunately fail, mix AND worry. Alcoholic anomalies such as this will affect your hangover and this guide will help sufferers to become more astute in understanding their morning after.
We believe that hangovers are four-fold. For each type, we’ll give a brief description and then equip you with the tools you need to combat these most debilitating afflictions.
REVERSE
Despite a night of tequila slammers, and sloe screws against the wall, you feel fine the next day. Don’t be fooled! You’re probably suffering from a Reverse Hangover. Come 3pm, you’ll be curled in the foetal position, trapped inside your own private bubble of hell, agonised by any even slight movement of change in temperature. Still, you’re lucky. Suffering from a Reverse means you’ll get through your tute largely unscathed. A few words of advice: If your friends are keeled over in pain over last night’s exertions and suffering the wrath of your tutor, do not gloat! Come the afternoon, you’ll share their pain.
8 MINUTE
The 8 Minute Hangover is characterised by periods of extreme satisfaction and motivated followed coupled with periods of despondence, desperation and general agony. Our studies have shown that the average length of these periods is roughly – you guessed it – eight minutes. The best thing to do when racked with an 8 Minute during a tutorial is to make the most of the highs and do your best to battle the lows. When you feel some semblance of logic and intelligence return, answer the tutors question or contribute to the general conversation. Be quick! You’ll only have eight minutes before you’re ravaged once again.
EMPTY SHELL
This type of hangover is particularly insidious. After a big night out, do you ever feel like the Green Fairy’s whisked your soul away and stoppered it away in an empty Tanqueray bottle? Do you attempt to read a newspaper article, get stuck the second sentence, feel like your brain is caught on a two second loop and throw the paper down in fear? A colleague of ours wrote in and explained that she was eating an apple in a morning lecture in an attempt to assuage her hangover symptoms and said to her companion, “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t eating this apple.” This is what it means to suffer from an Empty Shell Hangover. If your shell is empty, then fill it up before the tutorial begins. Raspberry picking, pistachio shelling and repeat viewings of Miss Congeniality; three tried and tested remedies for an Empty Shell Hangover.
LUNAR ECLIPSE
If you’re suffering from a Lunar Eclipse, it’s a miracle you’ve even made it to your tutorial at all. Each person experiences a Lunar Eclipse differently. Some say that that have a white blindness which is not aided by even the darkest ray-bans. Others remain convinced that the icy cold hands of death lay upon their heads, and that this is the time where joining Alcoholics Anonymous at age 21 seems like a perfectly reasonable option. You will have an out-of-body and agonisingly in-body experience simultaneously. This is a hangover where the black is blackest and the light is brightest, but thankfully like an Eclipse is alarmingly rare. How to survive a tutorial? You won’t be there unless your friends have carried your unconscious body from its prone position on the Barr Smith Lawns.
So there we have it; the Hilarian’s guide to surviving the morning after tutorial. We’ve suffered the hangovers and we know how to deal with them. Of course, we could just tell you to drink in moderation. We know better.